The beautiful staff (who ended up being part of the show) were very welcoming, but unfortunately from the second we arrived, we were herded like cattle to check in and seated in a mass hall, er, more like inside a giant tent. While the small stage is in the middle of it all, it's an ugly dinner area. No ocean, no water, just a crowded area with a horrible sound system.
Service was very rushed in a mass feeding frenzy. All of a sudden, a family style salad was shoved to the side of me asking me to take some & pass along. Other pupus (appetizers) included a sliced quarter of a very sour pineapple and tiny, cheap serving of chips that was expected to feed 10 grown adults seated around the table!
Beware: While you think you're getting all-you-can eat and drink for the evening, you are actually cut off about an hour before the evening ends (or 45 mins before the show actually starts).
The buffet food was very dismal and cheap for what you pay--and I had even upgraded my husband and I to the VIP Gold package! Nothing VIP about it, just better seats. While the kahlua pork was somewhat tasty, along with the Okinawan mashed sweet potato (the purple stuff!) and the haupia for dessert, the teriyaki chicken came in inedible as it was raw (yikes, pink still!) and cold. Back to the pig--I'm actually not sure if this was the actual one that was dug up from the ground because the buffet opened up mighty quick (how'd they serve it up so fast?) and the "tray" of the said pig carcass they carried in appeared empty!
Drinks were weak. To top it off, I don't like sitting at a round table with a bunch of strangers whom I'll never see again. I expected a long table or a more intimate seating for guests who paid a bit more for their ticket.
As for the show, it had a very tacky, cheesy story. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise that it was told in such a short amount of time to spare us from more torture. I wish instead it was just a sampling of Hawaiian culture, told more about the customs and traditions vs. trying to weave a sappy story that brings in elements of rip-off Cirque du Soleil costumes especially during the fire dance.
As an added element of typical tacky tourism, don't forget to purchase your overpriced photo that was taken of you at the beginning of the evening when you arrived!
Overall, this was my first luau and it was very disappointing especially as it was very crowded, felt very closed in (again, no ocean backdrop) and you're under a roof all night. We only chose this Luau Kalamaku because the Grand Hyatt cancelled their luau twice during the week we were in Kauai. I had heard that their food was much better and in a more open, luscious setting. With a premier package there, you get your photo for free, as well as upgraded leis and tiki glasses to keep.
Finally, do not book your luau (or any island tours/activities if you can help it!) through Expedia Local Experts (ELE). They are located as concierge in most Kauai resorts, but they can be aggressive to get their commission. They upsold us with a shuttlebus that picked us up from our hotel to the luau--after picking everyone else up from their hotel. We finally got to the plantation/luau location an hour later and lost much valuable time to be able to look around and shop the vendors (including the Koloa Rum Company!) there! The ride home was especially miserable. We were packed on a bus that going nowhere, but heading to hell with a bunch of drunken, smelly, loud and obnoxious millenials who couldn't handle their alcohol. Take an uber or cab instead.
Kauai’s best luau? Kauai’s best disappointment.